i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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