Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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