I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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