Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
