gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
