I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
