I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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