he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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