just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
