dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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