Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
