just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
