My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
