If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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