broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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