Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
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