my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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