Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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