weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
