I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
