i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
