just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
