Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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