I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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