my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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