Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
