You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
