Joe is yelling at the trees again.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
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So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
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Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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