So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
