You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
