Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
