Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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