3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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