I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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