My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
