the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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