i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
