So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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