If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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