Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
