I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
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