dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
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My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
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Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.