No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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