my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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