Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
