Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
