The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
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