is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
