so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
