Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
