Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
