I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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