I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize