I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
