I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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