What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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