Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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