he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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