It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
