dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
