Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
