Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
