he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
