if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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