I am spending my child support on dildos
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
