I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize