I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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