I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
