Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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